The Mist, though. Wow. I thought it deserved a special review all of its own.
THE PUNISHER: *paints a picture of THE GUNSLINGER*
AUDIENCE: Is this irony?
~SCENE OF MOTHER NATURE'S PIQUE~
MRS. PUNISHER: There's a tree in our house, muffin.
PUNISHER: The only reason that would be a problem, pumpkin face, is if you needed an airtight place to hide from monsters.
TINY PUNISHLING: A tree smashed our boat house, so you guys should check that out. And also the mist.
PUNISHER: Hmm. Weather sure is wonky the past few days.
PUNISHLING: It's an inconvenient truth, dad.
PUNISHER: Right. I should really go menace the neighbor.
NEIGHBOR: *is incompetent at chain sawing*
PUNISHER: *menaces but is easily distracted* Sweet car.
NEIGHBOR: Seriously, are you menacing me because I'm the only minority and intellectual character in this movie?
PUNISHER: Why else? Let's head into town to fix that pesky hole in my house and see about getting power back. And cell service. Just so everyone's clear on the fact that we are COMPLETELY CUT OFF FROM THE OUTSIDE WORLD, KTHNX.
They exit in what has to be the oldest Land Cruiser in existence, rigged with enough external lighting to illuminate a football field.
THE RUNNING MAN: THERE'S SOMETHING IN THE MIST
THE RUNNING MAN: I REPEAT, THERE IS SOMETHING IN THE MIST
EVERYONE BUT THE CRAZY LADY: Idiot.
PUNISHER: *wanders off* *hears the thing that goes bump in the night* *runs away like A LITTLE GIRL*
PUNISHER AND VARIOUS MARKET WORKERS, HUEY, DEWEY AND NORM. AND OLLIE: *go check it out*
H, D and N: Nothin' back here but a smelly generator. Needs fixin.' Ayuh.
H, D and N: Just gotta run on outside and unplug the sucker and it'll run like a charm. We'll send Norm.
NORM: *is tentacled to death*
PUNISHER: Hmm. Perhaps we should warn the others? Tell them to stay inside?
EVERYONE BUT THE SMART, MINORTY NEIGHBOR AND HIS NEW BEST FRIENDS, AND ALSO THE CRAZY LADY: Staying inside sounds like a fabulous idea. Nothing bad ever happens to masses of people caught in dens of capitalist consumerism in these kinds of movies.
NEIGHBOR: I don't believe you. I may be a lawyer, but I'm also incredibly stupid due to the rampant and obvious anti-intellectualism in this movie. Therefore, I'm going to walk right out that door.
NEIGHBOR: *becomes a cinematic cliché*
PUNISHER: Now that we have that taken care of, we can deal with --
CRAZY LADY (just emerged from her own private séance in the bathroom): THE WRATH OF GOD.
EVERYONE: I'm sorry?
CRAZY LADY: THE PLAGUES ARE UPON US.
PUNISHER: This movie has a lot of ... personal issues. Also, I don't think I like where this is going.
OLLIE: I have a gun.
~THE MARKET, NIGHT~
Everyone lies behind a makeshift fort of dog food bags and fertilizer. They are in deep shit.
EVERYONE: *huddles around their Coleman lanterns* *is afraid*
CRAZY LADY: *froths*
CRAZY LADY: LOCUSTS.
BUGS: *smack into the glass of the windows*
AUDIENCE: Bugs, lanterns ... there is quite possibly a connection here.
PUNISHER: If they break in, light the little fuckers on fire.
BUGS: *break in*
IDIOT: *lights himself on fire*
OLLIE: *shoots the bugs*
~BUGS, THE AFTERMATH~
PUNISHER: Idiot is hurt really bad. We need to go to the pharmacy.
MORE IDIOTS, INCLUDING ANGSTY MILITARY GUY: Excellent idea.
~PHARMACY OF DESPAIR~
PUNISHER: Cocoons with people in them. And one is STILL ALIVE.
RANDOM MILITARY POLICEMAN FROM THE BEGINNING OF THE MOVIE THAT EVERYONE FORGOT ABOUT: BLAAARHG BUGS.
PUNISHER: What was that?
MP: BLAARG .... our fault.
PUNISHER: Did he just say--
MP: *chestburster thing*
~BACK IN THE
CRAZY LADY: EXPIATION. *rinse and repeat*
PUNISHER: What does she even mean by that?
ANGSTY MILITARY GUY: Never mind. Where are my suspicious buddies that no one's seen since forever ago?
SUSPICIOUS MILITARY GUYS: *hanging around*
PUNISHER: Why would they kill themselves? And what did the MP say?
CRAZY LADY: Actually, I'd like to know that as well.
There is a small riot. Nothing unexpected.
ANGSTY MILITARY GUY: So, yeah. The military? Tore a hole in the space-time continuum and let the
CRAZY LADY: I KNEW IT. WE HAVE ANGERED GOD BY WALKING ON THE MOON AND WHORING AROUND. THE ONLY ANSWER IS EXPIATION.
PUNISHER: Still not sure what you mean.
CRAZY LADY (pointing to angsty military guy): KEEL HIM.
CROWD: *surfs him out the door to be expiated*
CRAZY LADY: WHO'S NEXT?
PUNISHER: Time to go.
~NIGHT TWO IN THE MARKET OF DOOM~
PUNISHER: I've got a full pack of cigarettes, a half a tank of gas and a map to Chicago.
HIS ESCAPE BUDDIES: Wrong movie.
PUNISHER: I've got a Land Cruiser and Ollie's got a gun.
HIS ESCAPE BUDDIES: Bingo.
~GOOD MORNING, CASTLE ROCK~
PUNISHER, PUNISHLING AND VARIOUS ESCAPE BUDDIES, INCLUDING NAMELESS, POINTLESS FEMALE LEAD: *sneak*
CRAZY LADY: Wazzup.
PUNISHER: Dammit. Lemme guess? Expiation?
CRAZY LADY: Amazing. I WANT THE BOY AND THE WHORE.
OLLIE: *shoots the bitch*
PUNISHER: *runs for it*
~TOYOTA OF DESTINY~
OLLIE: *is munched* *drops the gun*
WHORE: Leave it.
PUNISHLING: Dad, seriously. Floor it.
PUNISHER: *leaves no gun behind*
AUDIENCE: That was weird.
~INTO THE MIST~
Oldest Land Cruiser in existence coasts through a surrealistic landscape to the soundtrack of "Celtic Woman."
LAND CRUISER: *is out of gas*
PUNISHER: *fondles the gun*
PUNISHER: There's only four bullets and five of us, counting my son. So, really, that should discourage me from making this kind of horrific decision and spoiling what has, thus far, been a mildly enjoyable movie.
AUDIENCE: HOLY MOTHER OF ---
PUNISHER: *stands alone in front of a tank which obviously represents the military industrial complex whose fault this all was*